Remembering Malleshi

I am watching IPL this Friday night. As I did last week. In a couple of hours I would sleep; only to be up by 5 AM to do my daily stint of Yog. But, I did not get a text message (SMS) to read first up, like I did today.

The sms that I received from my colleague Kavitha read "Mallesh has expired. He omitted blood". The message was sent half an hour past midnight; I got to read at 4:50 AM sharp. I was shell shocked. Mallesh and I used the same elevator and exchanged "bye"s as I headed home last Friday. As I mechanically did the routine things and Yog watching Astha, I could not believe on what has happened. I just did not comprehend on what has happened. Not to disturb my other colleagues I sms them on our plans, I mean to attend his funeral. My colleagues respond within an hour and company car comes to pick me up early in the morning to take four of us colleagues to Nagamangala, some 120 kms from Bengaluru off Mangalore National Highway - Malleshi's village - to where the body was shifted early in the morning.

As we drove through the highway which is being four laned, we keep silence and weep mentally. We are men, we are not supposed to weep. But all of us wonder on why this has happened and how it could happen. All the way until we reach Nagamangala town in Sugarcane belt of Mandya destrict.
Mallesh who I saw overnight back is a corpse now. His body retains the freshness of his face. I see an elderly woman weeping inconsolably; a young woman in her mid twenties with two little kids on her laps crying and a hundred odd villagers waiting for the burial to happen. Soon, his body is lifted and moved to the 4 ft deep trench and covered with soil. Overnight rain might just have helped the process.

Mallesh was all of 31; little elder than me. He came to our office though third party as an attender and used to keep our office clean. And serve us water, coffee every morning and snacks and juice in the mid afternoon. Daily. He might have got some 3000 rupees from the third party man power supplier and did not have PF or any other benefits. His widow works for a garment factory that has been laying people off (acc to him) and the elder son is barely 7. Younger daughter is 2. Both did not comprehend on what has happened that night in Bengaluru. Some good Indica taxi driver agreed to bring these three with a relative + Mallesh's body that fatal night back to Nagamangala.

After a week, his memory still haunts me. All the time. I get up midnight. And ask what has happened. My question never gets answered. I pray for peace of departed soul and strength to his family members. My 20 odd colleagues from Bengaluru branch have agreed to chip in some monetary help for his family. That will not be a big help. But some help, for the time being. I shiver as I think about his family's future.

How ephemeral is this world? We buy things for that I, we seek pleasures for that I and yet that I will depart within no time when the time comes. Without wondering about parents that gave birth; wife that bore two kids.

Is it really worth of dancing to the tunes of our "I"?


(I consider I as aham)

An experience of Anesthesia

No, I am not talking about any Russian blonde of this name, with a slight change in the spelling. I am talking about the medical term. Now you got it. Wondering what I am going to write? Just my experience or the lack of it, under a spell of Anesthesia!

What a wonderful invention it was for medical science. When American physician Crawford Williamson Long found out the effects of this chemical combination he might not have thought that centuries later, the same compound is still injected into the veins of patients undergoing surgery to alleviate the pain of being "operated".

It was a first time experience for me to go under total Anesthesia. I think when I was studying in 9th Standard (back in ’93), the local doctor of my village had put certain portion of my leg under local Anesthesia. I had accidentally put my bare leg (yeah, who in the villages wear chappals?!) on a fallen branch of palm tree. To those of you who have not seen palm tree, I got to say, that it has natural saw on either side of the leaf. I had, I guess half inch deep, 5 inch long tear  and local Anesthesia helped to alleviate the pain when the village doctor (not ‘that’ sort, a proper BAMS grad) put 13 stitches. That was good 16 years ago.

My “full” stint with Anesthesia happened recently in a Bengaluru hospital when doctors had to attend in to the inside of my left shoulder joint. Dr. Vishwanath , Antistatic surgeon came and spoke to me a night before the date of the operation and explained the process of Anesthesia. However, the surgery did not take place as my blood pressure was on the higher side and the general physician did not give the go ahead for Dr. Arun Kumar, the ortho surgeon who eventually operated on my shoulder. Finally, with a bunch of medications they made my BP under operable limit, the next day.

The operation was stated to be at 10 AM in the morning and I was advised not to have any solid food after 10 PM the night earlier. I was also asked not to drink (water) after midnight. This was a huge ask to comply with; as my system is accustomed to get at least half a liter of water before 6 AM each morning for quite some time. I managed somehow; but had to sip in a bit of water as I got up, chori-chupke.
The hospital staff put the Operation Theatre dress on me and asked me to lie on the stretcher that took me to the OT. Dr Arun and Dr Vishwanath welcomed me sharp at ten. Dr. Vishwanath asked OT sisters to inject the “antibiotics” on to my arm. And he got chatty. Usual doctor trick, I thought. I was waiting to see the Anesthesia injection to come. They continued to inject more “antibiotics”. “Man, you are 30 and you say you are a bachelor” he began, “you seem to be a wise man”. Not to be flattered, I joked “You should ask a person whether he is unmarried or never married like the North Americans do”. He smiled ,“Yes, to your generation. Then, I assume that you are unmarried. So where is your wife?” With a wry smile, I retorted back “well doc, she has just run away with her paramour”. All at the OT had a hearty laugh. We bachelors can talk just anything! The hospital life is such that people only see sufferings. When young, never-say-die (literally) patients come, they get a sort of breather as we try to laugh at just anything, taking nothing serious.

Before the loud laughs came down, I felt sort of “something” happening in my body. I was anxiously waiting to get the Anesthetic process to begin with; and go through the process of becoming unconscious. For those of you who practice Yoga, it becomes a habit to observe breath and thought during Pranayams and Dhyan. But this happened rather quickly. I thought that I don’t have much time now and murmured to the doctor not put too much of chemicals ( I mean - medications) in my body. Somehow I am mentally allergic to Allopathic medications though I am on long therapy to control my blood pressure. As seconds tickled, I started feeling heavier and heavier. Further heavier within no time. And sleepy. And steady loss of conscience. All this happened within may be half a minute from the moment we had the loud laugh!

I sensed couple of hands patting my cheek. They are trying to wake me up, I guess. It was true. They eventually succeeded though I was still half asleep. They told me to shift on to the stretcher. I told I can’t. So all the OT staff lifted my 80 kg weighing body and shifted me on the stretcher. Still I was half asleep. I was shifted to my room where a friend - who had rushed to the hospital in the morning as he came to know about my fate-, was waiting. I asked him the time. It was quarter past 1 in the afternoon. I sensed a bandage on the shoulder and sling on the arm to restrict movement of the shoulder. I was on liquid diet the whole day and eventually got discharged from the hospital. I must agree that with a week in the hospital, I lost few kgs of weight for good and a bit of humor!

This was first time in my life (and hopefully last!) when I was dead for little over 3 hours. Yogis say that there is not much difference between death and unconscious state. But, "dead" may be a harsh word to the weak souls; so let me say – Induced sleep. To be less scary and be politically correct. Does it really matter, though? May be, to my old parents. Otherwise, the whole world carried on. Without waiting for me. Planes went scheduled; trains jam packed; and people had their lunch, on time. How small, I am? I have a big ego and I think high of many a thing that I possess. But, It does not matter to the world whether ‘I’ is there or not. That is the ultimate truth of life…!

World as a Rangamandir

As I open Shiva Sutra book with Sri Sri Ravishankar's commentary, I get a sort of peace! All the sutras are excellent but one catches my attention the most. It reads like: Nartakah Aatma, Rangantaratma..! What a sutra it is. The simple translation in to English would be: Soul is an actor and the world, a drama.

Men are living either with worry or with jelousy. Either in past or in future. With pain but hankering after elusive happiness. We feel pain when others treat us badly but we treat others bad to get that high! This perticular sutra teaches how to live: Like an actor. What are the attributes of an actor? First of all, he knows that he is acting. Second, that the act itself is unreal. Apply this to the world that we live in. With the people that we hate and to those who we love. Then the pain vanishes. We stop hating others because they hate us (People taking part as Rama and Ravana will not beat each other up at the end of the play!). We never expect anything from people who we love (this becomes true love, anyway). When we don't expect anything from parents, spouse, friends n relation and society we never get pain if they move away from us. Is this not a good funda for contentment in jeevan? Thank you timeless sages for this wonderful sutra.

Live Indiscipline!

I am reading a Kannada book. By an author relatively unknown. He is a policeman. Must be a subedar or below in rank. I found this interesting book at a book fair in Bengaluru. I liked the catching title: Don't Live Disciplined; You will be healthy. I love the title.

It was 10th Jan. I wanted to gift myself something good to start the new year. I did have a particularly bad 2008. I underwent many a disaster. I wanted to change, change the way I live, change the way I think. I get a chance now. I jumped in to the fair and headed straight in to Kannada book category and looked for the best names. But this unknown book captures my imagination!

Nellikere Vijayakumar is an astonishing find. A practitioner of Siddha Samadhi Yoga. Writes prolifically in simple Kannada. He is a healer: Of mind & soul. At least for me.

The author narrates why we get decease. Because we think too much. Yes, I do think too much. Instead, he asks to live simple. Without complaints. If you like something it is okay. If you don't like, then too, its okay! If you have high blood pressure, it is just okay; no worries. If someone hurts you, it is okay as well. Live life without thinking too much. Life will not stop if what we plan doesn't happen! Then, why pain?!

What is discipline, by the way? What we have been taught by Indianized western education, discipline is sticking to time, waking up at 6 AM to reach the office a minute before 8 AM, Finishing the days work irrespective of how late we get, going back to home, have dinner, watch soap opera and sleep by, say 11 PM. For five days a week, if you work in a MNC. A half/ full day more if you are an "unlucky"person who works for an Indian company. How stressed are we, friends? Many, like earlier me, get disturbed if the schedule changes a bit. We blame our luck we get late to wake up,don't get newspaper at 6:30 AM, miss the company vehicle, report office ten minutes late, forget mobile phone at home, hesitate to leave office at 6 PM to meet a friend! If we miss a sleep a bit due to a friend calling late in the night, we think that we will not be fresh waking up next morning. We get stressed at each activity. To remain disciplined. To get angry, To harm ourselves.

Here comes Vijayakumar's "So What" sutra. He advocates the need of feeling good, irrespective of what comes in our way. Irrespective of we not being so called disciplined. Take the life as it comes, without wanting to act in a set frame of mind. Be open, be adaptable for change. Because, change is life! We are just actors of a bigger game. No need to panic, if something strange happens in your life. If you get cheated by some one, if you get health ailments, if we can't solve the problem. Let us just live with the problem, without cribbing!

Think that everything is okay in life, if you can't change that. Like a person spitting at the bus stand; someone digging the mines of his nose (!), omitting passenger on the bus, helmet less fellow bike rider, lovebirds kissing at Cubbon park, hotel server deliberately delaying your order. partner walking away from the relationship. You will be peaceful if you don't judge any one, if you don't want them to become disciplined enough.

Vijayakumar refers to a many modern disciplined practices and the cascading ill effects in a beautiful way. For the disciplined but stressed, his techniques of becoming "indisciplined" may help. At least, for me, it has been a very good help as I continue in the process of healing myself.

Good bye, discipline.